Day 8 – Not my best

I want to start this post off by thanking the few friends who I’ve told about this experiment and who have supported me, listened to me vent and bitch about this, and who have said positive and encouraging things about it. Same goes for readers who have commented or emailed me – some offering encouragement, most kind words, and some even a bit of advice. It’s pretty emotionally tough doing this, so thanks a lot.

Took past 2 days off (against choice – first day’s meeting ran long and had work on the next). My bad, but I did say I was going to slow the pace down a bit… (for what it’s worth I did do a random direct street approach cuz I saw a foxy momma and we exchanged contact info. Though that’s not getting counted cuz it wasn’t on a day! It is nice though because ultimately those are the kind of approaches I’d want to do… during the day, on my way to stuff, etc).

Today was the toughest day by far recently. Toughest since Day 3. 12 straight rejections. Now, I had some conversations and some positive interactions. But I don’t feel like I ever reached my “activation energy” today. I exchanged contact info once, but that turned out to be fake (in this girls defense, she could have hit a wrong key. I doubt that happened, but to encourage myself, I’m going to assume it did).

I am proud of myself for pushing myself through this day, though. Just a week ago, after a bit of roughness from Day 3, I went home after 6. Now, I can tough it out through 12. This is progress!

Scarily though, today’s weather was pretty good. And I was dressed well. I had taken 2 days to recharge. All the ingredients were in place to have a stellar day, and it still sucked. It looks like sometimes I’ll just have off days. I wonder if this is another theory in the making?

In my defense, I did look a little grimy. Dressed pretty nicely, but I was hot (wore too many layers) perhaps a little sweaty, eyes glazed over from not a great night of sleep, didn’t shave, and the wind may have made my hair shaggy. Mix that in with going to areas that have some crazy folks and that is a spell for people thinking I’m just a crazy dude.

I texted a big batch of girls today and got mixed results. Of the six different girls I texted, 3 responded. One was busy but still purportedly interested in hanging out, two I’ve scheduled dates with. Granted these results are better than my phone call attempts.

But, really ladies, wtf. Really wtf. I give you every opportunity to be blunt and just say “not interested”. Hell, some do. I even ask you explicitly if you want to hang out, and will call you out if you don’t seem that into it. I called you, which is what I thought was the ballsier, more respectful thing. Left a voicemail. ZERO calls back (a single text though). So I shoot a text. Half respond?

I don’t want to stereotype or be chauvinistic, but it looks like I’m finding concrete evidence that women are very flakey. OK OK. Maybe only girls who are super attractive – or don’t have a BF – or who are down to talk to a random dude on the street. But, this seems consistent with results I’ve had in the past – before the experiment. Girls flake like guys masturbate. No more complaining about “oh not enough nice guys in NY or why can’t I just find a decent BF”. STFU! (OK, maybe I’m just really lame? Not sure if I buy that one, but want to pre-empt the counter).

OK, end rant. My friends mention that this thing looks like it’s taken a toll on me. I guess the constant stream of rejection is tough. The *really* scary thing to me is what if this doesn’t work? So far the results aren’t that promising. Am I really stuck to be a victim of chance? This seems extremely lame, weak, and depressing.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that a lot of times I want to quit! This really isn’t fun. The occassional ego boost from meeting a cute girl and having it go well is nice. But the 5 other rejections are pretty tough. Feeling like some people might think I’m a creep is hard. Having to make first impression upon fist impression is super difficult. Doing this while most others are working (yeah, making income LOL) makes me wonder if I’m wasting my time… Having to put myself out there and get shot down is flat out emotionally draining. Then to see the end result is that the vast majority of contacts simply ignore me sucks even worse.

Fuck that. I know shit is hard. But, I’m committed. Not just because I said I am going to do it for 30 days. But because I sincerely think there’s a way to make this work. I imagine it’ll be hard to figure out – I may not do it in 30 days. But, if it works, it’d be something truly awesome. I am so down to go through this and more pain to figure this shit out.

The Night is Darkest Just Before the Dawn

The Night is Darkest Just Before the Dawn... Thanks Aaron

I recently learned guitar. I’m not very good. But, I was pretty bad at first. I sucked. My fingers hurt a lot. Just when I thought I could play a tune, I’d try the next day and my fingers were too pained to play anything much at all. My progress wasn’t linear, it was slow (oh why am I such a slow learner? why?).

I think human learning and progress can be generalized a bit. I have a theory. I don’t believe learning or progress is monotonically increasing. That is, while over time, you will get better at something, in the short term your rate of learning will vary greatly – even decreasing at times. AND you may even get worse in the short term.

Sinusodial Plot

I know how much you guys love plots, so I threw another one down for you. You're welcome.

Check out this cool graph. Ladies, try to control your excitement. Time is on the x-axis, y is progress. Notice that at t=4.5ish, you are actually worse than at t=0? You actually got worse than when you started. This seems to match my scenario really well now…

I have a personal theory (not based on anything really) that the reason most people don’t achieve what they want is because they stuck at one of these t=4.5ish points. These troughs are depressing. After all that effort and even seeing some improvement, you’re back to where you started or even worse. But, dear reader, if you continue, you’ll eventually get to the point where even your local minima are much higher than your start point. Gotta power through the shitness of the start before you get there. And even then, the relative drops will feel shitty.

Now, this is all based on the premise that this is all a skill thing and something learned… which I am beginning to believe….

Stats:

  • 12 approaches
  • 1 follow up (turned out to be fake)

Summary:

  • Shit is hard, I should apply some vagisil.
  • Keep barreling through it because I think it’ll lead somewhere.
  • Random note – maybe asking for try coffee date instead of drinks? Maybe girls still think I’m crazy or whatever during the day and coffee is harmless, during the day, and shows I’m down to get to know them and not just after teh poonanie. (btw also do more grabbing coffee instantly since the one time I did that, which was the first approach, is also the most solid lead I’ve got)
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14 Responses to Day 8 – Not my best

  1. JJ says:

    Don’t give up! You are the shining knight within all of us guys!

  2. Ozz says:

    if you do it for 30days you are a certified badass in my eyes

  3. rolemartyr-x says:

    Keep your spirits up! People actually pay to find different ways to get rejected every day! http://rejectiontherapy.com/

  4. Josh says:

    Did you come up with that graph on your own? If so, that’s pretty inspiring, really. It really motivated me. Thanks for all the words. And don’t give up man. You’ll find that girl. You really don’t have any excuses /not/ to, anyways. And look at the progress you’ve made so far. Get through this t=4.5. I know I’ll see you way past the t=25 mark someday.

  5. thesk says:

    despite having not much luck i find this blog inspiring and it gives some insight into how women act, which is consistent to my own experiences and observations. since your 30 days is one big experiment, maybe try new and different ways of interacting (like you mentioned going for coffee instead of coffee) or something different entirely. i wonder if people don’t respond well to texts because it doesn’t seem like serious interaction, but with calling it’s more on them if they don’t respond , because i think if you call they’ll definitely think about it more than a text.

    is there way to make these interactions with women memorable (in a not creepy way lol) to make them want to come back, so they experience something with you again, but different than the usual general population of guys?

    don’t give up!

    • Thanks for the comment! I am definitely going to begin trying out some new stuff (e.g. try to grab coffee on the spot more)… and I’m noticing some natural changes (calmer, more persistent, more relaxed, having them talk more, etc).

      I’ve found the girls I called just basically never returned the call. So, I’m focusing on txting now. Might change that up again at some point to experiment more.

  6. John says:

    Could we possibly get a picture of you in your next post? I’m curious as to how much your looks play a role in whether or not the girls reject you or not.

    Also, hope you get through this rough patch, you’re being a lot braver than I think I ever would.

    • Sorry man no photos at this press conference. I assure you I’m average looking. Growing up, I thought I was super ugly. Now, I tend to think I’m handsome (maybe I’ve become more self absorbed?). But, no one ever really compliments me on being handsome except old female family members.

  7. randomaurora says:

    About the girls being flakes, it happens. From what I’ve experienced, it’s hard to reject a guy because you know he’ll feel bad. So you either lie and say you have a boyfriend, or give a fake number. You’re doing all this approaching in only 30 days, so of course it’s gonna affect you. Keep at it, if anything you’ll gain some dating experience and rejection wont have the same effect it has now.

    • Good perspective. Thanks!

    • John says:

      Maybe you know this (as you’re reading this and offer female insight), but girls: I think lying and giving fake info is worse for us than just being honest and saying “I’m not looking/you’re not my type”, really anything beyond “you’re ugly”. It’s a matter of preference and even if you find I am ugly it could be someone else finds me gorgeous, so “I’m just not what YOU like”.

      Otherwise we get our hopes up and are happy for a moment only to find out we’ve been lied to.

      So really, just tell us we’re not right for YOU at the moment instead of lying.

      Thank you female population!

  8. nn says:

    you’re doing awesome! i’m so impressed you made it through 12 with a good attitude and still willing to continue instead of flaking out like i’m sure i would have 🙂

    i’m excited to see what happens at the end!

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