Almost two years ago, I was walking out of the subway on my way to work in the AM. It was raining. There was a girl ahead of me with an umbrella. I really don’t know what overcame me, but I walked up to her and said something like “Well, are you gonna share that umbrella? I’m getting wet here!”. She giggled and covered both of us with the umbrella.
Almost immediately I realized she had a European accident. I immediately said something to the effect of “OMG so you’re just talking to me to use me for marriage and a green card. That is totally not cool. I’m not a piece of meat”, etc. And just started hardcore flirting. We were super playful/flirtatious like this for the whole 5ish minute conversation. And she loved it. More importantly, I loved it!
I was uncomfortable with being direct about my intentions at the time (honestly still am a bit now – which is why I force myself to go so direct). But I asked her if she wanted to meet up after work for a drink. To my surprise she said yes, and took my number. I remember thinking she’d never call (since women don’t seem to like to call when I give them my number). To my amazement, she actually txted later that day and we met up. It was pretty easy to meet up with her after that. We ended up dating for a couple months.
OK so I’ve been thinking a lot about this experiment and my somewhat disappointing results. Granted, I have mastered the art of getting really attractive girls to give me their phone number…. sometimes. But it seems like I am still missing a piece (or a bunch of pieces) needed for building a meaningful relationship.
My original thesis was literally “it just takes a number of attempts”. And when I’ve had relationships in the past, they “just worked” – girls actually made an effort to hang out and there wasn’t all these games about not returning calls, etc. They just seemed to like me and didn’t try to hide it.
While I still think the general spirit of the original thesis is true, I may have been a bit too extreme in my application. For example, I never thought going up to random girls and just saying “Hi, want to go on a date” would have great results. In fact, in the first quintile summary, we already discussed what “science” says on the subject: 50% girls would say yes. I doubt they actually went out at that rate though.
I always thought that clearly some conversation would be needed to show you’re not a crazy person, build some kind of connection, seek out compatibility, etc. Further, I imagine if my super charismatic musician friend did this, he’d have much better results than I have had.
So perhaps I need to push myself more along that direction of having better interactions…
The strange thing is I’ve had better success in the past when I was only doing these kinds of approaches very sporadically (once a month?)…. such as with this European lady. So maybe doing such a high concentration together sends the wrong vibe or something….
Like the above story. It was easy to date her. But only AFTER we were super flirty. Maybe she didn’t just “like” me… Probably she loved how flirty we were. It was fun. She enjoyed out interaction and wanted more.
In any case, I’ve been thinking about those successes and have come to the conclusion that I need to give these girls more reasons to like me. I need to just be funnier/flirty/make the girls laugh more. Make the interaction something they’d want to repeat… Yeah, I know – probably common sense to a lot of you!
It’s a bit disheartening that I can’t just “be myself” (eff you standard dating advice), but I don’t care about the principle – my goal is just to develop this strategy and find that lucky lady!
Thing is, I imagine that I am going to crash and burn a LOT trying to be super charismatic/flirtatious. Imagine weird scenarios when I accuse girls of flirting with me (like the European) only to have her get weirded out and leave. I imagine it’ll be similar to how it was difficult to go direct at first. There will probably be a lot of “flees”. I am confident I will get better at it but it’ll probably take a while…
As an aside, it’s also really fun to meet girls this way. I’ve had relationships that have started with this kind of flirtatious vibe before and ones that started on more boring interactions. Now that I think of it, the ones that start with the flirtatious spark are generally just more fun (less of me chasing, more laughing/joking, etc). Though I have had some great relationships that started the “boring way”. Clearly for meeting attractive women on the street, the “boring way” isn’t doing a great job.
Ok, charisma, you exist somewhere inside me. Come on out.