It seems like girls run away a lot, isn’t this just creepy?
No girl has ever run away. When I say “flee instantly”, I mean they’ll just turn around and walk away. Generally with a smile. This isn’t happening that much anymore. Day 5 had only 2 out of 21 girls “flee instantly” as an example. I guess I’m getting better at making it clear I’m not crazy/selling them something/harmful. This is actually a statistic I’m interested in – what percentage of girls that I approach actually stay and have a conversation. Since if the ratio increases, it indicates I’m improving.
I would like to say I *do* put a lot of care into not creeping girls out. I only approach when it’s daylight, in busy areas, and when there are people around (thou not enough to embarrass her). I keep my distance, smile, show my hands, etc.
As of this writing (done 6 days), generally interactions tend to go very well. The girls usually are smiling. The times they aren’t smiling or make it clear they don’t want to talk to me, I just leave.
Though even when it does happen, it was never a big deal or made me feel like I was creeping them out. Have you ever approached a girl at a bar? The common response in bars is on par with “fleeing instantly”.
A point I want to hammer home is that let’s say this did creep some amount of girls out. Is that really a reason to stop? Or is that just an excuse not to do it? (I ask this because it has been a fear of mine I’ve had to overcome). I’m trying to figure out a dating strategy. If I’m too conservative, I’m not going to get it done. I’m willing to run the risk of some folks thinking I’m weird, since the upside is so great (and I’m committed now)! Fortunately, this particularly isn’t much of an issue, BUT I wanted to call this perspective out.
What do you say / how do approach girls?
I’ll walk up to them and gently tap them on the shoulder. Once I’ve got their attention, I’ll say something like “Hi. I thought you were attractive and wanted to come say what’s up”. I’ll then introduce myself and ask their name, what they are up to, what they do in the city, etc. Often times the conversations are kind of boring (unfortunately…this is something I might have to tweak). As is becoming more frequent now (thankfully!), I’ll just joke with the girls about something (what they’re up to, cool articles of clothing they have, whatevers on my mind).
Sometimes they’re in a rush and I’ll ask to walk with them. I’ve gotten decent results with this (has turned into contact info exchange multiple times). Sometimes they’ll just say “No, [I don’t really have a reason why you can’t walk with me], but I’m in a rush” and I’ll let them go. Other times they’ll say “I’m really flattered, but I have a boyfriend” and I generally let them go. (I want to compare % of girls with girlfriends to percentage I’m getting that response… Maybe some are saying it as an early rejection!)
Generally I stop girls when they’re walking. What I like to do is walk down the street, get a good look at girls walking toward me, turn around and jog after them, let myself get a little bit in front of them so they see me (this was a tweak I stumbled upon on day 5 that reduced the number of “fleeing” girls almost completely), turn, and then what I said above.
I always ask if they want to grab a drink sometime at the end of the convo. I phrase it like that so the intent is very clear – this is for a romantic type of relationship, not friendly. Sometimes they say no and I’m cool with that.
Why do you prefer this style to say something more traditional like bars, fun events, online, or through friends?
I had to pick something to focus on so my focus wasn’t too scattered. It needed to be an approach where I could have gather lots of data (science!). While I initially didn’t think “skill” or “tactic” played into it (but pure # of attempts was the strongest driver), I specialized to hedge my downside. Note – this turned out to be smart, as I may have been wrong about skill not mattering (more on this later!).
Here are some reasons I like direct street style:
- It gets rid of the awkwardness that can come from trying to have a random conversation with a girl without a stated purpose.
- It’s most honest and, as a principle, I think honesty is generally beautiful
- I think I win points for being bold/brave
- It scared the shit out of me and I wanted to do something that pushed my courage boundaries
- It filters out girls I have no chance with instead of getting luke-warm responses and make a bunch of phone calls that aren’t returned (note – looks like phone calls still aren’t always returned with a more direct approach… but I bet it’s a better rate) or just wasting time talking when someone has a boyfriend or isn’t into me.
- It makes me more comfortable with being honest about my intentions, which I’ve had trouble with in the past.
- I have a hunch it can be incredibly efficient (I mean, logically it sounds great! Logics always right when applied to people… right?… right??)
- I see gorgeous women all the time throughout my life and would love to know if I can actually go, talk to them, and take a chance.
- I tend to be attracted to the type of girls that many other guys are also attracted to and I don’t normally run into them. When I do, it’s in an environment that’s really difficult to talk to them – believe me I have and do still try
- I think it’ll build skills useful outside of just meeting girls
- It’s measurable
- It lends itself to LOTS of quantity (with very high quality too!), which is necessary for an experiment! It’s actually more quantity than bars and I think higher quality.
As any true scientist (lolz) knows, you need lots of data to run an experiment. I don’t have enough friends.
Also, I can’t recall too many friends’ friends or coworkers that I was really attracted to. And even if I were, odds are it won’t go that well due to the compatibility funnel issue (read intro blog post). Even if that were, what if I try and she’s not a fan for whatever reason? Will this bring awkwardness into my work environment and/or friend group? I like to keep these things separate. My friends are my friends.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ve ever dated someone I met through friends (this is unusual, I know…). So maybe I’m just more inclined toward strangers?
I have a lot of friends who swear by online dating. And maybe I should try it at some point. It’s not interesting because I spend enough time behind a computer… I want to actually interact in *real* life. Also, I think I’ll learn stuff that’s applicable to other stuff and will just make me a better person by doing it live (tempted to say Bill O’Reilly style). And dating online plays to weaknesses of mine (writing / being witty via text) and ignores my strengths (outgoingness, balls).
Gotta admit that I’m kind of a hopeless romantic, and meeting online doesn’t satisfy my rom-com fantasies.
Bars / clubs
I’ve done this a lot in the past. Let me tell you how much it sucks. Hardcore. Most girls won’t give me the time of day because they’re so used to getting hit on at bars by creeps (I’ve actually had an ex-girlfriend say she wouldn’t even give a guy a shot at a bar). This also generally filters for a certain kind of girl that I’m not necessarily interested in… Also, I hate putting up with the crap girls do to guys in bars… I think the whole situation is just very superficial.
Now, if my goal were to have lots of sex, this might be the right venue. But that’s not really the priority…
Sports clubs / meetup groups / special interests
I meet a good amount of friends through this stuff. I guess in order to really focus on the gf thing, I’d probably develop a reputation which helps nobody. It’s also a very limited pool and some of them can lead to bar like situations (see problem with bars).
Fun events and festivals
I actually think this may be my best method for finding a gf. It’s done me well in the past. Might be hard to really get quantity here thou. I may give this a shot later on.
I’ve tried this. I don’t like having a conversation without the context set. Girls tend to think “wtf is this guy talking to me for” and it can be hard to keep it going (I bet they actually know I’m hitting on them cuz I’m a dude, but it’s not set contextually). I’ve had too many conversations where girls didn’t know I was hitting on them until the end… and then they reveal they have a boyfriend / not into nerds. Be nice to know at first!
Also it doesn’t lend itself to quantity the way direct does – I walk around until I see any girl I like then I talk to her with direct. With indirect, how would I get them to stop? Why would they leave after answering whatever silly question I ask them? It’d definitely limit my pool.
That being said, I may try to do some more of this stuff as an experiment (as I can see some benefits).
What’s the most common response?
That changes. At first, I think girls tended to say “thanks” or “I have a boyfriend” and leave right away (what I termed “flee”). As of this writing (after 6th day), I generally at least have a conversation. Generally the girl is smiling (from the compliment or some lame joke I/we made). My interactions are certainly getting better. Yeah, some girls don’t like it, and those usually end real fast and I just leave. I’d guess now, at least 80% are at least positive.
You exclude a certain kind / number of girls by doing this style of approach. You ok with that?
Yeah I’m ok with that. What I gain out weighs what is lost, there’s still plenty of pie to go around, every approach (pun intended!) has trade offs, etc etc.
What kind of girls do you approach?
I probably spend the most amount of time finding the right girls to approach. I’m looking for girls aged 21-27. Young professionals or students are cool. I definitely approach due to looks since I have nothing else to go off and looks are important to me.
While I have my own taste which is subjective, I definitely think I like girls that tend to be stereotypically pretty (yeah, I’m a bit shallow… can’t help it!). I’d say I pass up at least 8/10 girls that look within that age range. So, I try to approach the most attractive girls I see / ones that most might consider “out of my league”…
What kind of groups do you approach?
Right now, I generally approach girls that are alone. I’ve done groups also. I should probably try more groups (can I win friend points maybe? Dunno!).
Your stats kind of suck.
Life’s kind of hard all around, eh…. I think this is an inherently tough business. Even when I was meeting girls more “naturally” my stats were terrible (on par?).
Here are reasons that might also explain why they’re not that great:
- I don’t go for phone numbers for the sake. In fact, I purposefully filter out girls who I think won’t actually want to meet up (asking them out specifically) or would give a fake number. I’m interested in testing compatibility, making a connection, and meeting up again!
- Some big fraction of girls are in relationships (I’d guess at least 40%).
- Some amount of girls aren’t down to meet/date a stranger.
- Pretty girls are probably harder to get and also probably more likely to have a boyfriend (supply v demand)
- I tend to experiment a bit and challenge myself. I’ll approach girls on the phone or clearly in a rush. I count these.
Why blog about this?
At first, I wrote just to keep myself accountable and process what’s going on. I wasn’t sure what kind of response I’d get… I decided to share it because:
- I thought I’d be even more accountable if other people read
- I was hoping I could make some small contribution and folks would get something from reading
- I’ve never blogged and it seemed fun
- A good way to work on my writing, which needs some fixin’ up as you may be able to tell.
- I find when you tell people about stuff, you learn more and get exposed to unexpected things (folks have already shared cool links).